I think I can't, I think I can't... Ooohh, maybe I can!

It's been a long... several months. Since I last posted on this blog I've made a HUGE number of changes. Namely, starting a new job.

New Job = Figuring out a new role

Now, back in the glory days of posts about pumpkin spiced tampons, I was working full time. But I was doing contract work, which meant I worked from home. Time was truly on my side. My days were measured in how many tasks I accomplished. I frequently worked outdoors or late at night.

But since then I've accepted an amazing post-doctoral fellowship
But Jessy! Post-doctoral? You're not a doctor yet! What's all this nonsense?

 This is utter nonsense

My fellowship program was enthusiastic about me joining as soon as possible, despite the fact that I have not finished my program.

So, hooray for me for being a part of a prestigious and exciting fellowship program! But...

HOLY CRAP NOW I HAVE TO WORK AND DO FULL TIME SCHOOL AND WRITE A DISSERTATION AND RAISE A TEENAGER HOW THE HECK CAN I DO THIS.

 A selfie

I've spent the past several months in a zombie-like state attempting the impossible.

I've tried to...

1. Work full time (40+ hours physically at my desk)
2. Finish remaining coursework for my degree (my program allows this craziness to occur, even though I'm writing my dissertation)
3. Write my dissertation (a mammoth of a task)
4. Raise my teenage son and continue my loving partnership with my spouse
5. Be a human that eats, sleeps and occasionally laughs. 

Needless to say, I've had several serious breakdowns. I spent a full two and a half months not calling friends or family back or returning any texts. I just couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I really thought of giving up.

"Why?" I kept asking myself. "Why on earth would you do this? Can't you just quit? This is insane. You don't NEED a doctorate. You could get a pretty good job without one. Just stop. It would be great. You could enjoy "free time" again. You could do ART again. You could make progress on that NOVEL you know is world changing."

Oh, the seductive voice of reason.

 I am the seductive voice. I am Fabio.

"You've done enough!" It said. "Great job. Now you can stop!"

And you know what? I nearly did. I would have.

If it weren't for this guy...

The thing that kept me from giving up when it seemed so desirable, so reasonable, was my son.  I thought about the message I would be giving him if I quit. I'd be teaching him really well how to give up when things got hard. For the rest of his life he'd say "My mom? Yeah, she's almost a doctor but not quite. It got kinda hard and she quit."

No! He cannot say that. He cannot learn to give up on his goals when he faces challenges. I will not demonstrate that for him.

And now I'm close. Not quite there but I'm close. I can see the future steps I need to take and I can see myself taking them.

It will be a few more months but it WILL happen this year.

And you know what's keeping me going? My cheer section. My grandparents who call me Dr. Wess Tess, and my parents who keep bringing me food, my husband who has sacrificed SO MUCH for me to be able to do this, my friends who are patient and understanding and encouraging.

And of course, my amazing son, who inspires me more everyday.

It made me realize that I need to treat myself in much the same way that I treat my son. I'm gentle with him when he's tired and sick. I'm kind to him when he makes mistakes. I hold him accountable when he needs it. And for the next few months, while I climb my way up this mountain, I'll be treating myself in much the same way.

Here goes nothing! Almost there!

The Myth of Pumpkin Spiced Tampons

 I have a financial question for you.

Why does it cost money to own lady business***?

Let me clarify.

Generally speaking, there are two types of humans. There are penis owners and quim owners.

Medical fact: Making a new human requires parts from penis owners and bajingo owners.

Penis owners require little to maintain their twig and berries in good working order. They clean themselves with soap and water, occasionally apply powder to their berries and walk confidently down the street, wearing comfortable underwear. Or not.

All told, they may spend a total of $10 bucks a year maintaining their private parts. If they live to be 80, that's $800 worth of magic ball dust.

It's a different story for those who own a mulva.

For today's discussion, let's set aside two MAJOR financial issues that differ between the sexes. Here's what we're not talking about:

1. HAVING BABIES: The cost of cooking up ($2000.00 for prenatal care) and subsequently giving birth ($10,000.00 vaginal delivery and $15,000.00 cesarean delivery) to a new human. 
2. THE WAGE GAP: The roughly $1,000,000.00 LESS (over a lifetime) that women are paid, compared to men DOING THE SAME JOB.

When I told my son I was writing about how much it costs to be a woman, he asked "Oh, like, the cost of makeup and stuff?"

Nope.

Just the cost of owning a minge.

Black Iris painting by Georgia O'Keeffe:

If humans want to continue as a species, uterus-owners will need to continue ovulating (producing eggs that are ready to be fertilized) and therefore menstruating (a process quite like the re-set button on the uterus, getting ready for the possibility of a new human in the go next round).

It's beneficial to all humans that this process continues.

But this process costs money. Women menstruate for an average of 40 years, from their early teens to their early 50's.



Sanitary products (tampons, maxi-pads, etc.) cost between $3,000.00 and $4,000.00 over a lifetime for the average length of fertility of Vag owners.

The cost to relieve pain from menstruation with medicine is about $20 a year or $800.00 over a lifetime.

In addition... 

Lady Birds require the use of toilet paper every time you go to the bathroom (for both number 1 or number 2). If women use about twice a much toilet paper as men, that averages to $150.00 a year, $75.00 more than penis owners use. The life expectancy of a woman in the US is about 80 years, so over her lifetime, that's $6,000.00 more than men on toilet paper.

Because the urethra (pee hole) on a foof is in a tricky place and is shorter than a man's, women frequently get urinary tract infections (UTIs). Special pain medication ($6) and antibiotics are required ($40 for generic brands). If the average woman gets about a dozen UTIs in her lifetime, that's about $1,300.00.

I highly recomend you check out this video about UTIs. Very funny.

The whole set up down there for ladies is complicated. There's actually a delicate balance of healthy bacteria and yeast involved in a Lady Garden. When this balance is upset, vajayjay owners get yeast infections. It happens frequently, with some women experiencing symptoms up to 5 times a year. If the average woman gets one every few years, that's about 20 in a lifetime. Medication to treat this costs about $15, so a lifetime of use would cost $300.00.

A woman will spend about $28,000.00 over a lifetime on contraceptive use. If a man used a condom every day for his reproductive life, it costs him about $17,000.00. (That's a very busy man!) That's a conservative $11,000.00 difference for women who use the pill than men who use condoms (likely not one a day).

Also, check out this 4 minute video of the history of The Pill. 

Cancer screenings of V's used to cost upwards of $500 a year. However, the Affordable Care Act reduced the cost of this life-saving screening to $0. (Hooray!)

Y'all, that's a difference of  

$23,400.00 

in out of pocket costs over a lifetime 
just for owning a vagina.

If I'm a woman who doesn't have sex with men (i.e. lesbian, nun, etc.) or a woman whose ovaries have been removed or doesn't have one of the many medical conditions which oral contraceptives are also prescribed, we could take the $11,000 out for birth control. Other women choose non-hormonal forms of birth control. Without the 11 grand in pills, that still makes it $12,400 more expensive to have a vagina than to have a penis.

We're not talking about 23 grand of frills or extravagances. This is not the higher cost of shoes, the cost of getting our legs waxed or the cost of nail polish. And I didn't even add the cost of a bra, without which a breast-owner would be in quite a lot of pain.

These are not extravagant expenses like the $4 a day habit of the Pumpkin Spice Latte.


This is simply the price of owning a female genitalia as opposed to male.

How do we even this out? Why does half the population need to pay extra for their bathroom parts?

You might argue that since not everyone has a vagina, only those vagina-owners should pay for said vaginas.

Yet, people without children still pay taxes to build schools.

And people who don't drive pay taxes to fix roads.

How would life be different if everyone had to chip in to maintain half of our population's genitalia?

Could we call it a Lady Garden tax?  

Of course, my favorite libertarian, Ron Swanson, would not like the idea of a Honey Pot tax.

A tax is not the only possible solution to this problem. This is not a simply Republican, Democrat, Libertarian or Progressive idea. Everyone has Panty Parts.

The cost of owning a Sea Biscuit is a non-partisan fact of life.

So how do we fix this imbalance of financial burden?

What do you think?


***Disclaimer: In her book How To Be A Woman, Caitlin Moran describes how she feels the word vagina is too clinical to be used in social settings. She prefers terms that are more colloquial and approachable. This post talks a lot about vaginas. As a public health professional, I prefer to use the anatomically correct terms for things. However, I will refrain from typing the word vagina (or uterus or vulva) over and over again as I'm sure it's making some of you cringe. (Hi, dad!) Instead, I'll employ more friendly and amusing terms to lighten the mood and leave you feeling... fresh.

The Great Pants Conspiracy

I know I’ve posted on this blog before about clothes. It appears I have more to say. 

Namely: 

The Great Pants Conspiracy 

(echo, echo, echo)

When I buy clothes I have two criteria: 

-       I want to look nice

-       I want to not be in pain

Men, I have realized, are never in pain because of their clothing. Granted, some items are undoubtedly less comfortable that others (tight collars and ties, new business shoes, etc.). 

Movie star loosens tie

However…

As yet another perk of having a penis, male privilege ensures that men can expect that the clothes they buy won’t cause them pain or discomfort. 

No caption needed, girl.

Men’s casual clothes never cause pain. Ever. Their movement is not restricted by what they wear, even when their clothes are stylish. 

 Handsome man in stylish clothing jumps for joy

On the other hand…

I repeatedly find that my clothes cause me discomfort and on occasion, pain. 

Case in point:

 Sitting in fitted jeans is difficult

 Wearing a bra is painful

Most women's shoes pinch - heels or flats

If you are a man, turn to the nearest woman and ask her: 

 In our little, unscientific survey, I bet you'll find the majority of women answer something like this:

"Yes, but that's the cost of beauty."

It's better to look good than to feel good, dah-ling. 

Lately, I've been asking why that should be. 

Why? Why is it so painful to dress in feminine manner? 

I love to play with feminine and masculine elements of clothing and style.

Tomboy clothing for women

I wish that men were as socially free as women to experiment with masculine/feminine elements of fashion. 

Yet, with my curves, I prefer pants that are fitted and defined.  It's what I like to wear.

All that to say, I believe in a 

VAST, MALICIOUS, PANTS CONSPIRACY. 

I've recently lost about 12 pounds, causing me to need new pants. 

Oh no. Pants shopping.  

At 5'7" weighing between 145 and 150 pounds, I wear either a size 10 or 12 at stores like Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Gap, Express, Old Navy, etc. .

Every pair of pants I try on might fit perfectly when I'm standing but causes me pain in my lower back, pinches my stomach and restricts movement in my legs when I sit.

Unacceptable.

The next sizes up (14-16) are far to large on me, look saggy and unprofessional.

This is not a new problem. I've had problems with my pants for years.

Some silly people may say that perhaps if I changed my body, the pants would feel better.

(I metaphorically pat these people on the head, sympathetically.)

Silly, silly people. The shape of my belly has always been this way.

When I was 7 and sassy:

 Adorable girl flaunts belly, personality for camera

When I was 20 years old, 5'7" and 120 pounds:

 My roommate (pictured) convinced me to buy this pink skirt

And now. The shape of my belly is the same in proportion to my healthy, adult size.

But behold! 

I HAVE FOUND THE SOLUTION!

Can you guess what it is?!?

 Keepin' it casual in Pain-Free Jeans

My dog Sally helps me model pain-free professional pants

Cris-Cross Apple Sauce in Fitted Jeans with NO PAIN

The Solution? 

Maternity pants. 

Nope. Not kidding. 

Maternity pants fit my shape. 

It's a bit shameful that the clothing industry considers my lovely, healthy, very common body shape to be a "maternity" shape. I understand that mainstream clothes are not custom made to each individual, so no clothing line will exactly fit all shapes and sizes. 

But what does it say about our culture that women's clothing (even causal clothing) is often restrictive, uncomfortable or painful?

How often have I been distracted in professional or social situations by discomfort, pain or my inability to move in a certain way?

To phrase it another way:

Your thoughts?

9 Elected Positions I Was Completely Ignorant About Last Time I Voted

Sometimes, I'm a bit of a hypocrite.  As much as I talk about the importance of local government and how much of a difference voting can make, there are many positions I have voted for that...

I don't actually know what the position does. Yikes!

MY VOW TO YOU: 

Hypocrite no more! This year, I shall learn what I'm voting for!

Here are 9 elected positions that I could not explain before today:

 1. Lieutenant Governor 

In most states, the Lieutenant Governor is like the Vice President, a position without much power.

But not in Texas. Oh no. In Texas, it's more like:

The Texas Lieutenant Governor decides which laws the state senate will hear and controls the budgeting process. More specifically, the Lieutenant Governor "establishes all special and standing committees, appoints all chairpersons and members, and assigns all Senate legislation to the committee of his or her choice".

For more information, go here or here.

2. Attorney General 

The Attorney General acts as the lawyer for the state (meaning if Texas sues Oklahoma, this person would represent us). This position enforces state consumer protection laws, collects child support and administers funds to crime victims. Also, if someone brings a case against the Texas, this person defends the state laws.

For more information, go here.

3. Comptroller of Public Accounts

The person in this postion handles our tax money. But wait! Before you do this: 

 Remember that Texas does not have state income tax, just sales and local property tax. The state comptroller of public accounts is like our state accountant. They count up our money and tell the legistlation how much they can spend. 

For more information, go here.

4. Court of Appeals Judges

If you sue me for having a ridiculous haircut and win, I can appeal my case to a higher court. The appeals judge doesn't hear evidence from the prosecution and defense, but rather determines if the ruling goes against any state laws. 

Here's a pretty cool video to remind us all how the court system works.

Also, I found this guy who has written a song about the court system. Warning: the song is pretty catchy.

 5. Family District Judge

Because Harris County is so large, we have specialized district judges. Family district judges handle cases related to custody, CPS and....

 adoption. 

For more information, go here.  

6. District Clerk

From what I've read, this person is like the ultimate note-taker for the district courts. The keep the records organized. Very. Organized. 

For more information, go here.  

7. County Clerk

Election day is kind of a big deal for the county clerk, who administers and organizes all the elections in the county. They arrange for early voting and - get this! - can handle primary elections too.  

For more information, go here.   

8. County School Trustee Positions At-Large  

These are members of the school board for Houston ISD that don't serve a particular geographic area. Y'all, the school board has a LOT of power over what happens in our schools. Since HISD is the 7th largest district in the nation, serving more than 200,000 kids, these positions can really effect the day to day lives of our students. 

For more information, go here.  

  

9. County Commissioner

OK. This is a big one, y'all. The County Commissioner decides where the boundaries are for the county precincts and decides how many employees the county has. They build and maintain the roads and bridges in the county.  Basically, they oversee everything that happens in the county. They're kind of a big deal. 

Well, that's it for now, folks! I hope anyone who reads this will be better informed at the ballot this year! Don't forget that early voting (the best kind of voting) starts October 20th! 

PS: If anyone has additional information to add to this learning experience, feel free to comment below.

 

Outlier

OUTLIER

About a year ago, my husband and I adopted our son, Luis.

Luis, the amazing

As a parent, I am clearly biased in that I think my son is extraordinarily clever, kind, witty and intelligent. I think he's handsome and funny and just about the most amazing 14-year-old on the planet.

I mean, come on. 

Which is not to say that Luis is perfect. As I'm writing this blog, he is talking back to me about doing his homework, so I've had to stop writing and lay down the law and enforce consequences. Not my favorite things to do but it has to be done.

Through the good times and the moody-hormonal-teenage-rebellion times, I love being a parent. 

But at 31, I am most definitely a statistical outlier with a son in 8th grade. 

Most parents of the teens we know are in their 40's. Which is not to say I don't get along with them. My husband is, after all, currently 48. 

We make a neat little set, my family. I am exactly 17 years older than my son and 17 years younger than my husband. 

 

 Our choice to adopt a teenager is EXACTLY the right choice for my family, for so many reasons. We were not meant to rear and raise an infant. Luis completes our family in just the right way. 

1, 2, 3. All in a row.

One of the unforeseen results of our path to parenthood, however, is that I have no peers to go through this with. More specifically, I have no one roughly my age who adopted a child as a teenager. (I do have friends roughly my husband's age who gave birth to or adopted children as babies. And I am eternally grateful on their guidance and support.)

I'm acutely aware that most women my age are having babies. My feeling on that? I LOVE being Auntie Jessy. Love it. Lots of snuggles with amazing babies (see below) and then the pleasure of handing them right back over when they get too stinky or too loud. 

Adorable Baby Elijah 

(Cute even when he's stinky or loud)

Raising an infant (and subsequent toddler, preschooler, etc.) is an all-consuming life-altering thing that occupies the majority of adult energy and attention for many years.

When I think about my friends and peers raising their infants, toddlers and preschoolers, I feel

1. Admiration for all the work they are doing.
2. Gratitude that I knew the path that was right for me (and didn't give in to the overwhelming tide of peer pressure to have a baby). 
3. Lonely.

My friends are in the trenches with other parents of newborns and little ones. And I am in a trench with my husband beside me (neither of us would make it out alive without the other). However, when he looks around, he can easily find other peers his age and gender dealing with similar parenting issues.

But along with loneliness, I also feel an enormous sense of potential and freedom.

In our current society, the burden of child care is disproportionately shouldered by women. Without paid maternity leave or easy access to inexpensive child care, it is typically the woman whose career is put on hold or ended by producing another human.

I am exempt from this. Although I took fewer courses when the adoption was taking place, I worked and went to school consistently through my path to parenthood.

I have five years until Luis goes off to college.

Five.

Friends who are having babies now will be parents of kindergarteners when I have an empty nest.

 

Kindergarten Cop 

Vs. 

80's Sitcom "Empty Nest"

I want to savor every moment of parenthood while Luis is at home. And I look forward to discovering how to be the parent a college student and then transitioning to being the parent of an adult. 

And I want to dream about what I could do with all that extra time when he moves on to the next phases of his life.

If in 5 or so years, I'm not consumed with the day-to-day joys/struggles of parenting, I want to pour my energy into something that can make a difference, make a change, for the better.

So let's see where the next five years of my career take me.

First step? Becoming Dr. Jessy. 

Out of My Head

The next nine months are going to be nuts.

I'm talking To-Do Lists that go on for pages and juggling multiple projects and timelines.

The path to graduation is paved in pink marker

It's organizational heaven.

I love lists and charts and making plans. They provide me with the illusion of control over my life. Once I get an idea "out of my head" and onto paper, it no longer has the power to cause me anxiety.

 

To do lists for projects and classes 

I worry that while I'm so busy, I won't have time for the things that are essential in my life:

• Taking care of myself. I can't accomplish my goals if I get sick from lack of sleep. Stress relieving practices will get me through all this and allow me to be a patient and kind human. This includes doing art, spending time in silence and having the occasional "girls day" with my people. 
• Spending time with my boys. I love my husband and son. And I spending quality time with them is an essential to who I am. Besides, I need to defend my title as house champion of various board and video games. 
• Spending time with my clan. I don't want friends and family to forget my name while I finish school. "What's your name again?" is not a phrase I want to hear from my parents on Thanksgiving. 

In order to accomplish this, I've devised MAGICAL LISTS to help me prioritize my time. 

Since cooking is my contribution to our household chores, I am making a menu for the next SIX MONTHS of dinners and lunches. I'm even including grocery lists and instructions for my sous chefs (husband and son). It's going to be epic.

Beef! It's what's for dinner in 3 weeks.

Also, worrying about what to wear to work and school is NOT something I want to waist time on in the coming months. I've already discussed how I feel about time spent worrying over clothing options in women vs. men. 

So I'm making a clothes calendar.

Putting together a clothes calendar

I've started putting together all of the combinations of professional clothes that I own. Once I've got an outfit completely arranged (shoes, jewelry, etc.), I take a photo. At the beginning of each month, I'll put together a calendar of all the outfits I'll wear. 

The idea is that all the decision making will be done ahead of time and I can spend more time on a day-to-day basis defeating my son at dominos and losing to him at video games.

I feel like the more tasks I get "out of my head" and on a list, the more room I'll have for what I really care about.

Where I Work VS. What I Do

I have a pretty sweet home office

For the past several months, I have been doing contract work from home. 

It took a little while to get into a rhythm of working at my own pace and on my own schedule. 

My unsolicited advice for staying focused. 

1. Take a shower when you wake up. This is another way of saying "don't work in your pajamas".
2. Dress like you'll be in public. (Don't just throw on sweat pants. Wear something that you wouldn't be embarrassed being seen in while depositing a check at the bank.)
3. Never turn on the television. Not during your lunch break. Not at all. You will get sucked in. 
4. Don't leave a "Facebook Tab" open on you internet browser. You don't need real time updates on your great aunt's cat's health issues while you're trying to accomplish great things. 
5. Leave the house at least once during the day.
6. Try to see and/or talk to other humans. Short small talk with the mailman can make hours of isolated work go by faster. 

I especially love working from home while my husband is also working from home. During breaks in conference calls and focused effort, I have someone to bounce ideas off of who also makes me laugh and reminds me of my priorities. 

But in this next phase, I am applying for "REAL JOBS" that require dedicated time in the office. 

I'm not sure if this is reflective of my generation or of my life stage, but I am a bit fearful of being a cog in a machine. I'm weary of managers who are more concerned with the number of hours I sit at a desk than the quality and quantity of what I produce. 

I've had relatively bohemian work for most of my career. While I've worked hard, I've also had much flexibility when it came to my work hours. It makes me wonder about the transition to working more structured hours.

While part of me is treasuring my quiet, sunlit filled workspace, there are times I do miss a busy work environment with people stopping by. These days, all my collaboration is done over the phone with all the incumbent joys of conference calls.

Regardless of where I sit, I love what I do. It fills me with passion and enthusiasm and makes each day challenging and entertaining.

I hope you love what you do, too.