Outlier

OUTLIER

About a year ago, my husband and I adopted our son, Luis.

Luis, the amazing

As a parent, I am clearly biased in that I think my son is extraordinarily clever, kind, witty and intelligent. I think he's handsome and funny and just about the most amazing 14-year-old on the planet.

I mean, come on. 

Which is not to say that Luis is perfect. As I'm writing this blog, he is talking back to me about doing his homework, so I've had to stop writing and lay down the law and enforce consequences. Not my favorite things to do but it has to be done.

Through the good times and the moody-hormonal-teenage-rebellion times, I love being a parent. 

But at 31, I am most definitely a statistical outlier with a son in 8th grade. 

Most parents of the teens we know are in their 40's. Which is not to say I don't get along with them. My husband is, after all, currently 48. 

We make a neat little set, my family. I am exactly 17 years older than my son and 17 years younger than my husband. 

 

 Our choice to adopt a teenager is EXACTLY the right choice for my family, for so many reasons. We were not meant to rear and raise an infant. Luis completes our family in just the right way. 

1, 2, 3. All in a row.

One of the unforeseen results of our path to parenthood, however, is that I have no peers to go through this with. More specifically, I have no one roughly my age who adopted a child as a teenager. (I do have friends roughly my husband's age who gave birth to or adopted children as babies. And I am eternally grateful on their guidance and support.)

I'm acutely aware that most women my age are having babies. My feeling on that? I LOVE being Auntie Jessy. Love it. Lots of snuggles with amazing babies (see below) and then the pleasure of handing them right back over when they get too stinky or too loud. 

Adorable Baby Elijah 

(Cute even when he's stinky or loud)

Raising an infant (and subsequent toddler, preschooler, etc.) is an all-consuming life-altering thing that occupies the majority of adult energy and attention for many years.

When I think about my friends and peers raising their infants, toddlers and preschoolers, I feel

1. Admiration for all the work they are doing.
2. Gratitude that I knew the path that was right for me (and didn't give in to the overwhelming tide of peer pressure to have a baby). 
3. Lonely.

My friends are in the trenches with other parents of newborns and little ones. And I am in a trench with my husband beside me (neither of us would make it out alive without the other). However, when he looks around, he can easily find other peers his age and gender dealing with similar parenting issues.

But along with loneliness, I also feel an enormous sense of potential and freedom.

In our current society, the burden of child care is disproportionately shouldered by women. Without paid maternity leave or easy access to inexpensive child care, it is typically the woman whose career is put on hold or ended by producing another human.

I am exempt from this. Although I took fewer courses when the adoption was taking place, I worked and went to school consistently through my path to parenthood.

I have five years until Luis goes off to college.

Five.

Friends who are having babies now will be parents of kindergarteners when I have an empty nest.

 

Kindergarten Cop 

Vs. 

80's Sitcom "Empty Nest"

I want to savor every moment of parenthood while Luis is at home. And I look forward to discovering how to be the parent a college student and then transitioning to being the parent of an adult. 

And I want to dream about what I could do with all that extra time when he moves on to the next phases of his life.

If in 5 or so years, I'm not consumed with the day-to-day joys/struggles of parenting, I want to pour my energy into something that can make a difference, make a change, for the better.

So let's see where the next five years of my career take me.

First step? Becoming Dr. Jessy. 

Wearing My Identity On My Sleeve

One of the biggest challenges I've had as I...

• interview for new positions
• give presentations on my work and 
• generally meet people who will be hiring me for post-doctoral work

is figuring out "what to wear".

I sent this "options" photo to get the input of my friends

Worrying about this really pisses me off.

When I ask the question that all women should ask themselves when thinking about professional situations: 

The answer is quite clear: No

Any time that I spend worrying about this is time that my male competition is spending refining their skills and improving their situation. 

I was recently asked back for a second interview for an academic position that would be helpful in my career. I, of course, wore my only suit to the first interview. 

So for second interview, I spent the better part of 2 days

1. Finding a new suit
2. Contemplating what different blouses would "say about me"
3. Hunting down the blouse that "said the right thing"
4. Contemplating what jewelry would send the right message. 
5. Considering which heels were the least tortuous to stand in as I gave a 20 minute presentation 

If I were a man, I would find a suit and then only have to consider what color shirt and tie to wear. The end. 

Instead I thought long and hard about sending the right message with my clothes. I wanted to be powerful and feminine. I bought a black power suit and wore a teal, lace embroidered shirt underneath with a tasteful necklace. 

I struggle with playing by the "rules" of professional dress for women. 

I see suits as "man uniforms" that take away personality. On the other hand, they are the universal shortcut to appearing powerful. So for an interview, they really are the only option. I want to come across as my most powerful and confident self. 

But for daily office wear, I reject the idea that highly professional dress must be limited to the uniform that equalizes men. This is where women have an opportunity to STAND OUT in a sea of drab colors. 

Women at the highest level of politics stand out from male competition

I shouldn't have to give up my feminine identity to express power and confidence. 

I look forward to exploring new ways of dressing for my powerful AND feminine nature as I move into the next phases of my career.  

 

Being Amazing

In the past few months, I've done some amazing things.

Which is where my weight loss comes in.

Infertility, being rejected from an adoption agency, preparing for a home study, the adoption process itself, not to mention ups and downs at work and school and life all added up to a couple of years of stress. 

And when I'm stressed, I eat. 

To be fair, I eat when I'm not stressed. Food is, in my mind, one of the greatest joys of living. 

Mmm... food...

It's just that when I'm stressed, I eat regardless of whether I'm hungry. 

That's me on the right. 

So when the dust settled after an emotionally difficult season, I decided it was time to see what I would feel like if I only ate when I was hungry. 

At my heaviest, I was 160 pounds. Because I'm 5 foot 7 inches tall, this basically tipped me to the very age of a healthy weight. 

Thanksgiving 2013

Body Mass Index (BMI) is one measure of a healthy weight range. A BMI of 18.5 to 24.9 is considered to be healthy. 

At 160, my BMI was 25.1. Right over the edge into the "overweight" category. 

Date Night

Now there are flaws with the BMI system, including the fact that it does not account for muscle weight and that the cut off point for a "healthy weight" actually differs by race/ethnicity. 

Regardless of the limitations of this tool, there was really no reason for me to be in an overweight category. I didn't have pregnancy weight to loose nor did I have a medical condition like PCOS or thyroid disease. 

I just eat when I'm stressed. I also eat when I'm happy. And when I'm sad. And when I'm scared. You get the picture. 

Playing dress-up with my son

My goal was to be 147 pounds. I figured that's how much I will naturally weigh when I only eat if I'm hungry. It's a kind of arbitrary number but it's the one I set as a goal. 

So I started with what I knew worked for me. Thanksgiving day, I started using Weight Watchers Online to help me with portion control. Simply writing down what you eat, like in a food journal, can help you lose weight by making you aware of what you're eating. 

I didn't tell anyone I was starting, not even my husband. I didn't want to make a big deal about it. I started to lose weight. I was smugly proud that all through the holiday season, when others were getting more plump, I was slimming down. 

Sophisticated as always in Target

All was going well. In January, I was 152 pounds. Slow and steady weight loss is the only way to go. If you lose weight too quickly, you will likely put it right back on as soon as you change your habits. My goal was to lose a half pound a week. And it was really working. 

My son and I at my nephew's baptism

And then I unexpectedly changed jobs. Instead of working in an office with a regular routine, I was working from home. Which meant no one could see me eat. And if no one can see me eating two cheeseburgers, they don't count, right? (That's not really how it works.)

Eating crawfish with my aunt

I went back up to 156 pounds. I was stress eating again and feeling rebellious. 

Paddle boats with my son

My contract work from home started to become more predictable. In July, I started making a list of everything I need to do before graduation. I love lists. I was getting my organizational mojo back. I started tracking my food and losing weight again. 

Getting ready for a job interview

Trying on professional clothes

It's mid-August, and I'm at 149 pounds. 

A photo for "trying on" glasses online

No product in my hair, but lovely as always

For a number of reasons, my family has started a new diet that is grain free. (More on this later.) So I've stopped using weight watchers to track my points, and my new diet is basically fruits, veggies, meats and nuts. It's a little crazy, but it's helping my husband lose weight (tracking was never that helpful for him) and I'm enjoying the challenge of eating differently. 

I'm excited to see where this new diet will take me in terms of my overall health and my weight. 

I've already noticed that strangers and acquaintances treat me differently now that I'm thinner. Which is complete and utter nonsense. I was just as awesome at being amazing at 160 pounds as I am at 149.

I'm sure I'll fluctuate plenty in my life. No matter my weight, I hope I'm always able to convey confidence in my ability to be my amazing self. 

Good times